This article explores how to effectively communicate the meaning you assign to specific situations or collaborative efforts by offering feedback in a constructive, non-violent manner.

Differences among people can sometimes be frustrating, primarily because they may act in unexpected or disagreeable ways. There are many methods to non-verbally communicate our disapproval or dissatisfaction, such as frowning, avoiding eye contact, shaking our heads, altering our tone of voice, remaining silent, or even resorting to gossip. Feedback is another powerful tool at our disposal. However, it's often underused, with many choosing to internalize their irritation and express it only through non-verbal cues. Giving clear feedback is challenging and carries the risk of jeopardizing professional relationships, especially if the recipient is resistant to change. This is a common experience: confronting a colleague about their behavior only to have them react defensively or even angrily. This reluctance is understandable; many of us operate with the best intentions and perceive our actions as inherently positive, making it difficult to accept criticism.

Nonetheless, expressing both our annoyances and our commendations is vital. Often, the other person is unaware of the impact their behavior has on us and cannot infer the significance we attribute to various interactions. By articulating our thoughts clearly—whether positive or negative—we provide others with the opportunity to understand our perspective and adjust their behavior accordingly.

• I've been training for 20 years, and much of it revolves around the art of giving feedback. Feedback is a fundamental part of our social interactions, yet it remains a challenge! During sessions on the 'I message', everyone engages enthusiastically and appears to grasp the concept. However, as soon as we dive into the first exercise, a common issue emerges: many professionals are reluctant to offer critical feedback. When pushed to do so, their feedback often comes out too bluntly. This harsh delivery can trigger a defensive reaction, reinforcing the belief that it's better not to give feedback at all. What they really need is to gradually learn how to communicate a clear 'I-message' through practical application. This not only avoids misunderstandings in cooperation but also energizes the workplace!

Still No Feedback?

People prefer to avoid giving feedback because they dread a negative reaction. After all, critical feedback can feel like a personal rejection, and we're hardwired to avoid causing others to feel devalued. Telling someone they're not performing well can quickly be interpreted as "You're not good enough," which naturally may lead to a strong defensive backlash, as it touches on personal insecurities. This situation presents a dilemma: "Is my discomfort with their behavior worth risking our relationship?" Consequently, we often choose silence over potentially damaging an important relationship. doet komt het al snel over als: “Jij bent niet oké”. Het is logisch dat de ander daar heftig op reageert; dat er persoonlijke issues worden geraakt. En dus maak je een afweging: “vind ik dit gedrag van de ander echt zo erg” versus “onze relatie zou wel eens blijvend beschadigd kunnen raken”. Dan zeggen we vaak maar liever niks.

Common Irritations

We often appreciate others for their complements and assistance in viewing the broader picture. However, this section is dedicated to critical feedback, an area many find challenging. Below are some common frustrations:

• It bothers me when people fail to keep appointments or honor their commitments. This delays my projects, forcing me to justify the delays to the director.
• I've noticed a colleague speaking to a customer in a disrespectful manner on multiple occasions, which has led to a decline in our team's service ratings.
• Gerard frequently interrupts me during meetings, preventing me from expressing my thoughts.
• My supervisor provides vague feedback about my performance, yet occasionally critiques my technical methods in detail.

I-Message

Providing critical feedback involves transparently communicating your personal reactions to specific behaviors. It entails expressing your perspective and inviting the other person to consider it. Essentially, you convey the significance you attribute to the situation using an I-message, which focuses on your personal experience. The approach involves the following steps:

1. Objective Observation: "I notice you doing this," or "I hear you saying that."
2. Personal Impact: "This is how it affects me," or "This makes me feel."
3. Request for Change: "I'd prefer if you could do this differently. Could you share your reasoning behind your actions?"

In providing feedback, it's crucial first to ensure the recipient clearly understands the specific behavior you're addressing. Begin with a factual description of their actions, deliberately avoiding any tone of criticism. Next, articulate the impact of their behavior on you, sharing your personal feelings and experiences. This step involves vulnerability as you open up about your reactions. Lastly, express a wish or request for change, detailing as precisely as possible how they can accommodate your concerns. It's important to focus on specific behaviors rather than critiquing the person's character.

Examples of I-Message Feedback

Here are two examples of how to provide direct feedback using the three steps:

Feedback Among Colleagues:

• "In our meeting, you interrupted me for the third time just as I was suggesting we better coordinate our vacation schedules, by interjecting with 'yeah but, we always try to fix everything, there's no need for that.' This made me feel dismissed and increasingly hesitant to contribute. Would you please allow me to finish my points in the future?"

Project Manager:

• "We had agreed at our last meeting that you would complete the article, yet you've now indicated it's not done. This is frustrating for me because it's causing our project to fall behind schedule. I would appreciate it if you could adhere to our agreed timelines or inform me promptly if you're unable to meet them so we can find solutions together. For now, it's critical that your article is submitted to Geert by tomorrow afternoon so he can proceed without delay. Would that be possible?"

Reflection Period

It's a common belief that feedback should be immediate, especially following an irritating incident. However, self-criticism arises when one dwells on the irritation without addressing it. I advocate for providing feedback at the earliest opportunity, but only once you can present your thoughts free of blame. Identifying precisely what was done and why it was bothersome often requires a period of reflection to distinguish between your feelings and the actions of others. Yet, it's crucial not to prolong this reflection unduly, as it can drain energy.

Releasing the Other Party

You can't, and shouldn't, compel the other person to act on your feedback; their response is entirely up to them. However, in a professional setting, there may be repercussions for continued undesirable behavior. For instance, as a project leader, you might state that repeated failures to meet commitments could lead to a discussion with a supervisor about potentially replacing the employee with someone else. This approach is not meant as a criticism or punishment but as a necessary measure for the project's success.